SENSUOUS SADIE: YOU WERE RAISED BY A STRONG
MALE FIGURE, AND TAUGHT TO BE A GENTLEMEN. HOW HAS YOUR
UPBRINGING AFFECTED YOUR BDSM PRACTICE?
CHARLIE: I think it has given me peace. I
think having a strong sense of honor, even though i have made
mistakes and gotten off the path of what some would call the
righteous. It brings me back to center when i get to far from
what i know is right and wrong and i know there are many that
have the "answer" and "know the right way"
to do things, but i am much simpler then that.
We have a discussion going about if leaders in
the BDSM community can be held up to the expectation of being
honest and upright in their dealings in the name of the
community. So far i am in the minority with the others thinking
it is unrealistic to think that Leaders can be expected to be
honest and the rest blaming society and saying that can be used
as an excuse. Well in my father's house you were expected to say
what you think, mean what you say, and be ready to defend what
you believe in. I think being expected to have good strong
thought through ideas and knowing that if they were lame you
would be challenged and if you did something that was morally
and ethically wrong you have to stand before judgement for your
actions makes you think alot about your choices as you live your
life, which i don't think is a bad thing.
Some may say who is to say what is right and
wrong. I think each person has to. I think each parent has to
try to teach their child a way to know right from wrong the best
they can. I think you must do things that you can label and
stand behind. My name is Charlie Reid. That is my given name. I
do not have a scene name. I never have. I am what and who i am.
I was taught that if you have to hide what you are doing then
maybe you are doing something wrong. I have as much to lose as
the next person. But i am who i am and that's hard enough with
out trying to pretend to be someone or something else. I will
not hide, because i can't hide from myself. And when you goes to
sleep at night. That's the only voice that you can't hide from.
SS: YOU HAVE COMMENTED THAT NOVICES GO THROUGH
PHASES OF FINDING THEMSELVES, FROM A MORE SELF-FOCUSED STYLE TO
EVENTUALLY TURNING OUTWARD AND HELPING OTHERS GROW. CAN YOU
EXPAND ON THIS IDEA?
C: Phase one: Admitting you like something
that society has labeled wrong.
Phase two: Acting on it in private.
Phase three: Looking for someone to share it
with. I think this is where forks in the road come in. If they
find a mate that is into what they are into early on then they
may take a long time of enjoying their kink and relationship
with their mate and it could end right there in helping their
mate find and explore themselves and then the mate helping them.
This all depends on if their kink needs an audience or not of
course.
If they are drawn out into the public venues
to find someone to "play" with then as the go through
their learning, they will find "THE" answer they will
find what works for them and then it is like becoming a
born-again anything. They will start preaching to everyone their
form of BDSM, and because it is so good for them it must be good
for everyone. One size fits' all BDSM. As they go along they
find they want more or something different or they get a new
Dominant this phase begins to settle down, usually not with out
some good flame wars on the internet boards.
But as with many, the search for a mate takes
time and many different paths, and if the paths lead them to
groups of like minded people then there is a good chance they
will make contacts and friends in the Leather community at
large. And as any sub can tell you the emotional and mental ride
will take you a wild ride and teach many things about yourself
and other people. You will ride the power driven winds of
another's whims; you will be broken, changed and remade. It may
take quite a few Doms and relationships but at some point you
find your space, your little corner in this reality that you fit
in, you find what you have been searching for and a way to get
it in a manner that satisfies you. Once you find your space and
you find your purpose, you have enough scars you see that what
works for you may not work for others. That is when you can help
others, because you see that your needs are not theirs but you
can open yourself up to understand others and then your voice
will be one that understands the phases of what others are going
through.
SS: YOU HAVE COMMENTED THAT YOUR HOBBY IS
LOOKING AT STRUCTURE. THIS IS AN INTERESTING ANALYTICAL THING TO
BE DOING. HOW HAVE YOU APPLIED THIS INTEREST TO OTHER AREAS IN
YOUR LIFE?
C: I am a systems analyst. It's what i do. It
really is who i am. I see relationships between cause and
effect. I learn as i go about different forces and relationship.
Business, people, money, power, success, failure all the
different things that make projects and businesses succeed or
fail.
SS: YOU SAID THAT "THERE ARE RULES OF
CONDUCT IN A SOCIETY AND THESE RULES HAVE TO BE USED OR WE DON'T
HAVE SOCIETY, WE HAVE BREAKDOWNS." ARE YOU REFERRING TO
BDSM PROTOCOL, OR SOMETHING ELSE? WHAT KIND OF BREAKDOWNS DO YOU
MEAN?
Historically if you don't have the structure
of the church/religion society doesn't advance. It is said that
if we didn't have the industrial revolution we would not be
where are today because it made forced people to go to work each
day in a structured controlled way. People's thoughts,
activities, movements are all controlled by their job. We have
to have rules of conduct otherwise the strong will kill the
weak. No one would care for the old or sick. We would not have
cities. We couldn't muster the needed effort of materials to
build them because humans would not be more then packs of
Gorilla's operating on the same organizational structure. The
BDSM Society has the chance to take society to the next level.
We are all remaking ourselves, the question is will be bring the
bad with us.
SS: PLEASE TELL ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOUR OWN
BDSM PRACTICE.
C: Really i have gone from a worshipping
submissive, to a playful bottom; it's more comfortable
interfacing with society at large this way.
Experience: Switched for about a year. Been
with my Dominant/soulmate now for two years in an evolving
relationship.
Orientation: Hetro but experimenting in an
edge play situation is interesting.
Interests: Having fun, helping.
SS: HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR PHILOSOPHY?
C: Altruistic Egoism
SS: YOU HAVE SAID THAT SOME OF YOUR BELIEFS
HAVE BEEN CONSIDERED MILDLY CONTROVERSIAL. (MAYBE MORE THAN
MILDLY?) WHAT SPECIFICALLY ARE YOU REFERRING TO?
C: Honesty and inclusion in BDSM group
leadership and policy making.
Tolerance in people's communications and
dealing.
Group governance structure at the local, state
and Regional levels.
SS: WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A PARTNER?
C: Kind of funny but i look from the inside
out.
SS: DO YOU INTEGRATE A SPIRITUAL APPROACH INTO
YOUR PLAY?
C: Every thing you do in life is spiritual.
You can't separate it. You are what you do. Your spirit is with
you all the time.
SS: WHAT TOOLS OR PRACTICES DO YOU USE TO DO
THIS?
C: Yoga, meditation, and introspection
SS: WHAT MOTIVATED YOU TO START THE BINGHAMTON
MUNCH?
C: Having been around one of the greatest
examples of leadership, Marci of Marci and friends. She inspired
me, and was there in gentle support.
SS: HOW DID STARTING AND LEADING THIS GROUP
AFFECT YOUR PERSONAL PRACTICE OF BDSM?
C: More parties. It was and is a fun group.
SS: YOU ARE INVOLVED AS A VOLUNTEER IN A
NUMBER OF ACTIVITIES. WHICH ONES MOVE YOU THE MOST?
C: A man walked up to me and said
"Charlie, my real name is Bob, and i want to thank you for
your friendship as i have been finding my way. Your friendship
gave me the strength to hang on in this community so i could
find this lovely girl, Thank you." I don't really look for
rewards from my work. The reward is in the work. But sometimes
good things grow.
SS: WHAT DID YOU LEARN ABOUT LEADERSHIP AND
COMMUNITY FROM VOLUNTEERING IN YOUR CHILDREN'S GROUPS?
C: Volunteering is the most thankless,
important job you will ever have.
SS: YOU HAVE COMMENTED THAT DomSubFriends HAS
A SUCCESSFUL STYLE OF BEING RUN. WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS GROUP
THAT YOU FEEL HAS SPECIFICALLY CONTRIBUTED TO THEIR SUCCESS?
C: Well this is an outsider's view, but
honesty, professionalism, delegation, listening and many active
members that are included in things.
SS: YOU HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT SOME OF THE
CONTROL/POWER STRUGGLED WITHIN AND BETWEEN BDSM GROUPS.
CONSIDERING THAT THE POWER EXCHANGE IS THE FOUNDATION OF OUR
BDSM ORIENTATION, DO YOU THINK THAT THERE IS ANY WAY FOR IT NOT
TO BE SUCH A FACTOR ON THE GROUP AND COMMUNITY LEVEL AS WELL?
C: Yes. The difference between a good Dom and
a bad Dom. one that can handle power one that can not. One that
has the wisdom to plan for tomorrow and one that only has
short-term selfish goals.
SS: WHAT CHANGES DO YOU BELIEVE NEED TO HAPPEN
AS A GROUP GROWS FROM A SMALL 15-MEMBER TYPE MUNCH WITH ONE
LEADER TO A LARGER ORGANIZATION?
C: Just like a company. Delegation and
inclusion.
SS: YOU HAVE COMMENTED THAT THE MIDDLE-SIZED
GROUPS, WITH ABOUT 100 ACTIVE MEMBERS TEND TO BE WHERE THE MOST
PROBLEMS OCCUR.
C: You can read about this in any book, really
not my ideas but the person with the dream and the skills to
motivate the club in the beginning may not and usually doesn't
have the skills needed to run a multi-level organization that
demands delegation. People will not be micromanaged for long.
People are not idiots, they can do the work, maybe better then
the Leader, and a CPA doing your books is better then a plumber.
SS: DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE FOR NEW GROUPS
TO FORM WITHOUT ONE FOCUSED AND DEDICATED LEADER TO MAKE THEIR
VISION HAPPEN? CONSIDERING HOW MUCH WE GROOVE ON POWER, DO YOU
THINK IT'S PRACTICAL AT ALL TO EXPECT GROUP LEADERS TO BE ABLE
TO DELEGATE?
C: That is what starts a group, but then it
picks up mass and changes. More people more ideas more needs.
More voices that won't be quiet, won't follow lockstep. This is
America. But at the phase of getting to about one hundred or so
it takes a different kind of leadership. Just like in the
corporate world. A middle manager has different responsibilities
then the plant manager. And some people are meant to be middle
mangers and that's ok but everyone has limitations.
SS: YOU HAVE SAID THAT "A STARTING LEADER
IS RARELY A LEADER THAT CAN BE A DAY IN DAY OUT ORGANIZER,
OFFICE RUNNING, PAPER WORK DOING, COMPLAINT LISTENING, MAJORITY
CONSENSUS BUILDING LEADER THAT A GROWING GROUP NEEDS." WHAT
IS THE KEY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE KINDS OF LEADERS, AND HOW DO
YOU THINK REALISTICALLY THAT WE CAN EDUCATE NEW GROUPS ON
GROWING IN A HEALTHY WAY?
C: Skills and ego, perspective, and maybe
Wisdom.
Meeting of the Minds has a section on common
leadership model that cause problems and how to fix them. It's
so common on what happens it's really odd that i am one of the
only one's that talk about it. Sometimes leaders of small groups
take themselves too seriously. Big fish in a small pond syndrome
SS: YOU WRITE THAT YOU "SEEM TO HAVE MORE
FUN AND PLAY PARTY ADVENTURES WITH THE SMALL GROUP CLUBS THEN
WITH THE BIG ONES. THE BIG ONES SEEM TO TALK ALL THE TIME. NO
PLAY PARTIES, JUST TALK." WHAT DO YOU THINK IS BEING LOST
AS ORGANIZATIONS GROW?
I think the leadership has to be in touch with
all the members' needs. Some members really like to talk.
I would rather play or be in BDSM lifestyle
situations. Not sitting in a bar talking about it.
SS: YOU HAVE SAID THAT GREAT LEADERS ARE RARE.
WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE ARE THE QUALITIES OF A GREAT LEADER? WHAT
LEADERS THAT YOU KNOW FIT INTO THIS DEFINITION?
C: History tells you who is a great leader. At
the time you can't tell someone is great. YOU can tell if they
are really bad. But you can't tell while it's happening.
For example, I coached girl's softball. Out of
five years i got one championship. Not really a good coach by
record. But i look back on my career and i have two things that
are great accomplishments. I started the July 4th girl's
softball game. Never had one. They always had one for boys never
for girls. Big fundraiser for the girls league. And when these
girls got old enough to play ball, all my girls were still
playing ball. I didn't turn them off to the game. The graduated
the minors and kept going. I, among all the "better"
coaches, gave my girls the desire to play. I think that is a
great thing.
I think Marci can be considered a great leader
she has been doing it for so long that he has a history of
success without all the political petty things breaking up the
group, as happens so often.
Lord Battista may also, if he continues on,
fall into this category. His selfless devotion to the community,
His unwavering commitment to being positive, His understanding
of politics and people could make Him a great leader, check back
in a few years.
SS: YOU ARE A NELA ASSOCIATE AND NLA MEMBER.
WHAT ABOUT THESE GROUPS ARE PARTICULARLY ATTRACTIVE TO YOU IN
REGARDS TO YOUR INVOLVEMENT IN THE COMMUNITY?
Support for people. If someone or better yet,
when someone gets in trouble a single person will be overwhelmed
by Press and Governmental pressures. A single person can't deal
with all the legal pressures. We also need to defend our rights.
We don't need reactionary legislation putting us in the same
category as rapists and murderers.
SS: YOU ARE ALSO INVOLVED WITH LORD BATTISTA'S
MEETING OF THE MINDS PROJECT. PLEASE TELL ME A LITTLE ABOUT YOUR
INTEREST IN THIS.
C: It started out in a funny way. I was
rejected by a group to be a representative to NELA, my son lives
out there so i wanted to attend meetings and go see him and
voice the leaderships opinion and then vote the way the
leadership wanted. The Meeting of the Minds Project is a
regional group and they are interested in networking all the
groups in New York and New England and this was in their
interest so they approached me. It falls into my feelings and
activities of trying to bring together all the groups so that we
can pool our expertise and resources to further all our goals.
SS: IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE
WITH OUR READERS?
C: Have fun,
Treat everyone better,
Take care of yourself,
If it works for them, it's ok,
If it works for you, it's ok,
Don't let people stop you from getting
involved.
Get involved.
SS: THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING WITH ME!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you enjoyed this interview, read more
SCENEprofiles with BDSM personalities on Sadie's website at www.sensuoussadie.com
Sensuous Sadie is a BDSM columnist and edits SCENEsubmissions,
a free e-newsletter. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001)
of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments,
compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting
can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com.
Sadie believes the universe is abundant and that sharing
information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows
reprints of her writing in most venues.
Copyright 2002
