website: http://wmdifferentstrokes.com
listserv: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/wmds
EDITOR'S NOTE: In my travels in the BDSM world
both as a leader and participant, I've discovered that most
people don't realize the incredible amount of work it takes to
run a BDSM group. From the guest perspective it's just a party
or munch now and again to go to. But behind the scenes there are
many people who work very hard to make this happen. I asked Ed,
Leader of White Mountains Different Strokes to write a monthly
column for SCENEsubmissions that would help our readers
understand what goes on behind the scenes. You can read past
articles in this series on the epe dominion site:
www.epedominion.com/library in the leader's speak section.
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One story that was told about Harry Truman
during his term as president was that he was always frustrated
with his economic advisers. They would always preface their
advice to him with "On the one hand, you must be sure that
you... but on the other hand, you must also…" to the
point where he was supposed to have exclaimed, "What do I
have to do to get a one-handed economist around here"?
Such is the case when dealing with the subject
of BDSM & families; it is a delicate balancing act that
defies simple answers, try as we might. This is a comprehensive
subject that others have delved into quite extensively, and I
will leave it to them. Here, we will solely deal with the
subject as it relates to group life in this area.
First, the subject of children. Even though I
would venture that a higher percentage of lifestyle people are
childless than the general population, it would still be a
minority of those in lifestyle who are in their 30's - 50's
(especially with people who have married more than once). Our
opponents in this world (who disapprove of what we do) are quick
to say "what about the children?" Often this is a red
herring, a high-minded sounding issue that masks a more basic
"we don't like your kind," as George Carlin has noted
about moralists in general. Child custody in the case of divorce
can be affected by someone's opinion of what we do, including
the judiciary.
Most groups are careful to be discreet about
group activities: using e-mail as much as possible, telephone
calls are short and to the point, parties are arranged around
the schedules of kids, at least until they are mature enough for
some parents to acknowledge (in part) what they do, as some
parents have told me. A larger issue is childcare around group
functions; arranging baby sitters for Saturday night can be
quite problematic. The idea has been floated to have a
submissive volunteer (or two) to run a "day-care at
night" yet many groups are quite reluctant to run such a
liability risk, in the event of any problems. This is why many
people who decide to become involved with the Scene do so only
when their children have grown up, even though they may have
wanted to do so earlier. We speak of the problems involved with
arranging group functions - while they can be lifestyle-related
(disagreements on S,S&C, what political stance to take on
Paddleboro, etc.) it is much more likely that more mundane
issues such as babysitters are more common.
An even more volatile issue is that of
marriage - while several couples later married as a result of
meeting via the Scene, most of us know of at least one couple
whose marriage broke up as a result of BDSM. This is especially
true for those who discovered this world later in life (often
via the Internet) and there are several book chapters devoted to
this. How should a group approach someone with a
non-participating spouse?
Reactions seem to vary - especially for groups
that only run public events, this is a non-issue - as one person
told me, "we have no need to check on someone's marital
status, nor do we have the time." However, for groups that
run private events, this is often a concern.
Some will not knowingly accept a married
person with a non-participating spouse, others want to ascertain
if a person's non-participating spouse is comfortable with them
attending such events; the fear that an angry spouse will burst
in on a party, or attempt to bring public attention as revenge.
Still other groups approach this on a case-by-case basis (if
they have specific knowledge as to a particular situation). And
while there are some men who use the equivalent of the old
"my wife doesn't understand me" excuse, there is no
shortage of women who have tried to interest their husbands (to
no avail) in the lifestyle, and have written some anguished
messages to group leaders, asking for help.
In the end, this is yet another "on the
one hand" issue, balancing the desire to help people vs.
the need to safeguard the group's existence. Seeking help from
some kink-friendly professionals can often be the best advice we
can offer (the group I am in had someone referred to us by such
a professional). Author Race Bannon has one list of Kink-Aware
Professionals (http://www.bannon.com/kap) on the Internet. As
mentioned, this may be the most delicate issue your organization
will have to grapple with.
