While screening cannot prevent all these kinds of problem people, it can go a long way toward minimizing the number of problems you're likely to have. The very fact that you are screening guests prevents most of the looky-loos, liars, and wannabes from joining the group.

WHY ARE THERE DIFFERENT KINDS OF SCREENING?

BDSM groups vary quite a bit in style, thus each will have a different policy for protecting the privacy and integrity of their members. For example, the Upper Valley Munch in New Hampshire doesn't require screening because they meet in a public place, so there is a low risk of problems. In the middle range is Rose & Thorn. We do phone-screenings because while we don't have play at our events, the parties are at private homes in a community that is very small. On the higher end, PENE, our sister group in Southern Vermont, requires several face-to-face meetings at a public place before they invite anyone to the private play parties at the leader's home.

HOW DOES THE SCREENING PROCESS WORK?

The screening process is designed to weed out people who aren't really interested in or involved in D/s -- we don't want gawkers at gatherings -- and to be sure that guests are safe, sane, and consensual D/s lifestyle folks. We've discovered that the requirement of giving one's phone number & other real details screens out a large number of people who don't want their identities to be known for possibly unhealthy reasons. If people aren't comfortable with a couple of people knowing who they are & how they can be reached, then we aren't comfortable with their attending our parties.

If people come to us personally recommended by a member of the group, then we don't require screening, although we still get a name and phone number for future reference. The point is that for every person in our group, SOMEONE knows who they are in real life. While guest's concerns may be to protect their privacy (most understandable), OUR primary concern is that our group have in it only genuine D/s lifestyle people who are safe to have in our community... which actually protects the guest's individual privacy in the long run.

We like to know who each person is, their phone number, and where they live. We also like to know if people are Dom/sub/or switch, hetro/bi/bi-curious/gay/lesbian/transgendered, single or coupled, and a little about their D/s history -- complete newbies, or the extent of their experience. Talking about such things gives us a chance to get a feel for people; weirdoes or gawkers give themselves away in the course of such conversations. Of course we keep confidential all real identity details, and in the history of our group, such confidential details have never been breached.

WHAT DO I SAY WHEN I CALL SOMEONE TO SCREEN THEM?

Start the conversation by telling them the general info about the party. They have read the standard FAQ on the group so they already know the details, but hearing it from a person gives them time to get comfortable. You can tell them a little about how you came to join the group - maybe how long you've been a member, what it was like for you when you first found the BDSM community, and so on.

Most of the people you call will be novices, and often quite shy. Others are thrilled because it's the first time they have every been able to talk about their BDSM orientation to anyone openly - and they may babble. Many of them don't have strong boundaries about their personal lives, and may start telling you details about their sex lives that frankly, is just Too Much Information. Just be friendly and chat with them as you might at a cocktail party, and steer them away from personal revelations. You do not have to grill these people, just make them feel comfortable.

WHAT INFORMATION TO ASK ABOUT

Ask about what they do for a living, do they have family locally, do they have pets and that sort of thing. (i.e. if they are a nutcase we could track them down) Once they are comfortable, you can give a little disclaimer like "I hope you don't mind if I ask a few nosy questions, but I just want to find out a little about your experience with the lifestyle. You can tell me anytime not to be a nosy parker…" Find out if they are Dom or sub, hetro or bi, single or coupled etc.. Basically, the idea is to chat them up a little and see how they respond.

KEEP TRACK OF YOUR GUESTS!

Write everything down so that you can keep a file of everyone who has been screened and how to reach them. Rose & Thorn keeps a binder with printouts of each and every guest who has ever been screened, so we can check the list if someone claims to have been screened years ago or whatever and we've never heard of them.

WHAT IF THEY DO SOMETHING CREEPY?

If you feel uncomfortable with this person IN ANY WAY, get off the phone immediately (oops - doorbell is ringing - gotta go!) and let the group leader know.

TIPS & TRICKS

*E-mail them first to find a good time to call. Most people live busy lives and are hard to reach.

*Always use *67 to disable caller ID. You can't be too careful.

*If you have to leave a voicemail, just say your name and that you're calling about the dinner party and that you will call back later. Don't leave your number and don't mention BDSM or anything related. These people may have children in the home, and are depending on you to be discreet. Be sure to leave a message though, because if you don't they will probably complain to the group leader that the screener never contacted them.

*Never give them your phone number or full name under any circumstances. Even if you are attracted to them, don't give them information about yourself at this point. You can meet them at the event.

*Print out the e-mail with their phone number & e-mail address and jot down notes while you are talking. Then you can just file that page for future reference.

*Keep the calls under 20 minutes. I usually say "I just have a few minutes before I have to get to work but I wanted to call you to chat for a few minutes…"

*Find out if they definitely want to come to the event. If so, tell them we'll send the directions out a few days prior to the event. Waiting until a few days before with the directions protects the privacy of the host.

DON'T AGREE TO MEET ANYONE IN PERSON

You might like chatting with this person, and maybe even want to meet them for coffee or whatever. Remember, you are representing a professional BDSM group so you don't want to come off as a screener who is using the position to pick people up. There will be plenty of time at the parties to do this if you so wish.

WHAT IF WE NEED TO REJECT SOMEONE?

Occasionally we do talk to people (very rarely) who we decide later that we don't want at the party. Fortunately you do not have to deal with this issue, so just be diplomatic and let them know the leader will be in touch with them later. For example, one person was 23 and living at home. Although he is clearly and adult, his parents were somewhat nosy on the phone and could have been a problem.

WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO ARE MARRIED AND DON'T HAVE CONSENT OF THEIR PARTNERS TO ATTEND AN EVENT?

Honesty and integrity are central to the BDSM creed of Safe, Sane, Consensual. Cheating on your husband or partner undermines the foundation of everything we believe. Rose and Thorn has a policy that every guest must have the consent of their partner/spouse to attend our events. There are several reasons for this. The main one is that we have a great fear of a spouse finding out the guest is not only cheating on them, but is going to some party where a bunch of perverts are doing God Knows What. This enraged spouse is bound to crash our party, possibly with cops not far behind. Angry spouses also do things like read their partner's e-mails and could compromise the privacy of our members.

We do not publish this policy in our written material because we know people will lie to us to get in, although surprisingly, many people who are cheating on their partners admit it, or 'fess up when we request their phone numbers to call them for the screening. People who are married (but haven't admitted it yet) usually say something like one of the following: 1. You can only call my cell phone/pager; 2. You can only call from 3:35 PM - 5:10 PM; 3. You can't call me at all - I'll call you; or 4. Please be VERY discreet! It is at this point that I advise them of our policy. 99% of them completely understand, although we have had one person make a big fuss over his right to cheat on his partner. (Sure he does, but we sure as hell don't want to be party to it.)

All we need for "consent" is to speak with the partner/spouse for a few minutes to make sure they are OK with things.

WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BE SCREENED BY E-MAIL ONLY?

Don't do it! An e-mail, no matter how sincere and open, is only a "resume" of a person, and we all know how people dress up their resumes! You are taking a major risk if you allow guests who you haven't spoken to join your organization. Find a way to work around their problem, whatever it is (often they are married) but don't give in.

IN CLOSING

As usual, many of the issues here are about having clear and strong boundaries. This is important in life, but particularly important when dealing with a BDSM group. Be careful who you invite into your life!

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Sensuous Sadie is a BDSM columnist and edits SCENEsubmissions, a free e-newsletter. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com.  Sadie believes the universe is abundant and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.