www.sensuoussadie.com 

SPECIAL NOTE: I didn't have anyone to interview me, and interviewing myself is a bit like mental masturbation… still, people do often ask me questions, especially since I stepped down from leadership of Rose & Thorn. So I've compiled those questions and am naming the interviewer "CAL" for community at large.

Sensuous Sadie is a BDSM columnist and editor of SCENEsubmissions, a free e-newsletter focusing on BDSM & spirituality. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group.

SS: "The funny thing is that it all started when my job was cut to part time in March of 2002. This was the same week that I stepped down from leadership of Rose & Thorn, a combination which resulted in a fair bit of grief as well as a significant increase in free time. At first I was a little disoriented, but then I realized I had this incredible opportunity. First I learned how to design websites, and soon had designed my own as well as several others. It helped a lot that I have a graphic design background, which is reflected in the original graphics on my website.

"During this time, I discovered that I have a facility for doing interviews. I enjoy researching what other authors have written and asking them questions about it. Naturally, I started with BDSM group leaders, but now that I've moved away from leadership I'm concentrating on well-known authors because they have a broader appeal to a national audience. I am fascinated by their perspective on the scene as well as their complex ideas about their own BDSM practice. My hope is to collect these interviews into a compilation for my second book.

"All this writing had to go somewhere, so in addition to running them in my own newsletter SCENEsubmissions, I started sending them out to other magazines, both paper and online. I currently have columns and interviews running in eight publications, SCENEsubmissions, the BDSM News, Prometheus, Discipline Magazine, the BDSM Resource Center, The Voyeur, Dom Sub Lifestyles, and Leatherpage. It took a lot of organization because of course each publication deserves a certain number of pieces that haven't been published before; I didn't want any of my columns or interviews to get overexposed. Fortunately, my experience in writing gave me a good idea for what editors were looking for.

"I look back on the last year or so and I can see a radical difference both in my personal writing life as well as in my personae as Sensuous Sadie. It's very satisfying because I receive a lot of e-mail from readers who really enjoy my columns and interviews. They comment that my style is very validating of all kinds of BDSM expression. You could say that being cut back on my job turned out to be a huge blessing in disguise."

SS: "Fundamentally, writing is what writers do, and so I want my message to be heard. There are plenty of books out there on how to tie someone up or whatever. My book is more about the emotional journey. I suppose a little bit of it is vanity as well. It's pretty exciting to think of your writing out there in published form. I'm hoping to reach a national audience."

SS: "The newsletter started out as a venue for Rose & Thorn to make announcements. Over time, I started including columns, poetry and other information and it grew to a very informative weekly event. When I stepped down from Rose & Thorn, we decided to detach it from Rose & Thorn because it had really become "Sadie's Newsletter" and also it had become national in scope.

"There are plenty of books about BDSM, but for the most part, people aren't charging down to the bookstore to buy those books. Maybe it's because they are embarrassed or maybe they just don't feel committed enough to the lifestyle to buy a book on it. It's easy and anonymous for these folks to get my e-mail newsletter. There's no commitment or cost involved. I see this as the perfect opportunity to get these people the information they need, even if they don't know they need it yet.

"I have a very strong belief in accessibility. If information is hard to find, or difficult to read, it won't achieve its purpose of communicating. The newsletter provides quality information in a friendly and accessible format. On a personal note I've really enjoyed the contacts I've made with scene people; we are a wonderful and diverse group.

"I have a long-time interest in spirituality, and so I started researching the connection between BDSM and spirituality. This is an area that is not often written about, but I have found a number of excellent articles on the subject which I have posted on my website. I have another idea of eventually collecting these into a book as well. There are a few books that look at this from a female Dominant or gay perspective, but none dealing with this amazingly complex and intricate subject in a broad way for hetrosexuals. The themes that resonate for me have to do with using pain as a conduit to spiritual expression, ideas that are well represented in the work and writings of authors Fakir Musafar and Cleo Dubois. My passion for this area eventually translated into a new vision for my newsletter, which now focuses on BDSM & spirituality.

SS: "When I think of 'glamour' I imagine women in sleek leather outfits knocking around the New York City nightlife. It's hard to think of myself as glamorous or sophisticated because I live a fairly quiet life, not to mention the fact that I'm living that fairly quiet life in Vermont. I do think of myself as a sophisticated thinker, and that is probably reflected in my writing. I have a background in marketing, so I have a very good idea of how important it is for readers to think I'm glamorous, and that's why my photos look the way they do. Selling my image helps me sell my writing.

SS: "I discovered my sexuality and even my submissiveness fairly early, but of course didn't have a name for it way back in high school. What I did know was that I wanted my boyfriend to be more assertive with me sexually. He was submissive himself, a pattern I discovered in my boyfriends a few years ago. I know I have a powerful personae, and it naturally attracts submissive men. I remember making bets with boyfriends where the loser would have to be 'slave' for the night. Of course I lost the bets on purpose, but even so they rarely were able to be as dominant as I wanted. This has been a real problem for me, and I've had to consciously choose different kinds of partners."

SS: "Technically, I am a switch. However, as my experience evolved I discovered I have difficulty maintaining a relationship where I am Dominant. Maybe I'm just lazy, but it seems like too much darn work. I'm guessing an attitude like that delineates this is not my natural inclination. Nowadays, I consider myself 85% submissive, and 15% Dominant. In other words, I prefer to submit, but darned if occasionally I don't get the urge to bend some guy over my maple table and spank the hooey out of him.

"Part of the reason dominance is work for me is because I'm a highly analytical person, very goal oriented. I tend to plan out my scenes in great detail and do something exciting and creative each and every time. I enjoy planning a lot, but even so, this approach is difficult to maintain in a long-term relationship. A big part of what I get out of my own submission is the joy of release, of letting go and turning it over. I make decisions all day; I don't want to be making them in the bedroom.

"I consider myself heterosexual. Men's bodies have a visceral effect on me, and that is the foundation of my sexuality. Also, I'm something of a Don Juan. I see the beauty and sexual quality of every man, or most of them anyway. This gift doesn't mean I sleep around though, only that I can really see the special gift of every person I meet. I have also had a number of experiences with women, both in vanilla relationships and one in BDSM, mostly when I was in my early 20's. I enjoy looking at women's bodies and flirting with them, but I don't usually take the next step into a relationship. I'm open to the possibility however. I have an attraction to butchy dominant type women. "

SS: "I called myself Submissive Sadie for many years. I liked the name because it advertised my orientation as well as had a nice sound. Unfortunately I often wrote from the perspective of a Dominant, which became confusing to my readers. I decided to change my name to express not my specific orientation, but my general approach to life. I particularly like the name Sensuous Sadie because it's alliterative in multiple ways."

SS: "My friend Mal brought this up one evening over dinner. He was seeing a psychologist who was convinced that the BDSM orientation was a choice, a bad choice. The shrink was trying to convince Mal he should go 'straight' if you will, and try to have relationships with non-BDSM oriented women. My feeling is this: it doesn't matter a wit how your orientation came to be or how you express it. What counts is that we feel fulfilled and happy in the expression of our natures. If Mal didn't like how he felt when exploring BDSM, then it's a good thing for him to find out what it's about and create a new way of living. But for me, I love expressing my sexuality this way. It feels whole and real to me. That's the bottom line; if it feels good then it's okay. I don't mean 'good' in the superficial hedonistic sense, but good on a spiritual level."

SS: "I met Lord Battista who is the Webmaster of EPE Dominion when I was looking for a BDSM-friendly host for the Rose & Thorn website. There are only a few kink-friendly website hosts, and Lord Battista spent a lot of time helping me get up to speed on my newly learned website skills. I manage the reading room there, and it's been a great place to archive a lot of material which was first published in the newsletter. Since I don't publish fiction in the newsletter, it also turned out to be a great venue for stories, humor and other items. It's a nice balance. I also have enjoyed getting to know Lord Battista who is a remarkably grounded human being, as well as dedicated to supporting the BDSM community in a variety of ways."

SS: "That's a very interesting question. I have given some thought to it, and even have a little theory of my own. I am a female leader who is outspoken, as well as a writer who has a platform in my columns and the various places they are published. To make things more complicated, I am submissive, something which seems to bug a fair number of dominants, mostly men. Some feel a submissive can't be in charge of something as successful as Rose & Thorn, which of course I think is ridiculous. A fair number of people have problems with the female leader thing too, although most of the BDSM groups I'm aware of have female leaders.

"Being a writer has something to do with it, too. I'm a good writer and I know it. Whenever you put your ideas out there, it's an invitation for all the people who disagree with you to get their panties in a twist. I'm considerate toward readers who respectfully disagree with me, but I pay no mind to people who use profanity and are irrational. I think it bugs them I don't bite, if you know what I mean.

"This approach has definitely rubbed a number of people the wrong way, which is too bad. I guess they feel a leader should be accessible to them in all ways, and not have boundaries. Others think I should never make mistakes. I do make them, and when I do they're on display bigtime. One of my weaknesses is that I really have a problem with irrational people, and I avoid them. This sometimes causes problems, but I haven't really found a better way to deal with it.

"Sometimes I think some parts of BDSM are a construct in certain ways, with rules of conduct and so on. I also think of life as a construct in that each of us creates the way we will see the world. There are objects like an apple or a computer which pretty much have the same reality for everyone in the sense that they are indisputable by definition. What is interesting is how people respond and react to those objects. To me, my computer is a tool to go about my daily life. To another person it's something to be feared. Same object, different response.

"This same difference in response happened when I made decisions for Rose & Thorn. People would do hurtful and obnoxious things, but I soon realized their actions have to do with their own fears, and are not about me. I have learned to not take things personally, not just on the superficial level but in really believing and understanding that their reactions are about their own perspective. As a result I can usually respond in a rational way, even as I detach from the emotions swirling around. My life construct helps me understand that people come from their own experiences in their reactions to me.

"The bottom line is that I have very strong boundaries, and I know who I am. I have high expectations about my communications with people in that they be respectful and rational."

SS: "In June of 1999 I had been with my partner Ryan for about two and a half years. Ryan was what I call a 'cheerful Dominant' for his lighthearted and joyful approach to dominance. He's an artsy type with a sexy streak of femininity. When he decided to move south I was pretty bummed because I wasn't really in the mood to start dating again. Frankly it took me a while to find Ryan, and dating Dominants can be arduous. A lot of them aren’t really dominant; they're just plain pushy.

"One morning as I was sunbathing, I came up with the idea to create a BDSM group. I'd been to a few munches and things like that, but the groups always disappeared after a few months. It wasn't for lack of interest, but because the leaders weren't very organized. Running a BDSM group is not about BDSM, but about running a business. I figured it would be a snap because I know a lot about business, and I'm very organized. I had this list of people who'd contacted me over the years I'd been single, so I sent out an e-mail and got the ball rolling. So I suppose you could really say it was enlightened self-interest to start with. It was later on that I developed a sense of the group as something which was bigger than just me, something about building a community.

"People often thank me for having started Rose & Thorn because it freed them to explore their orientation. My response is that I didn't really do it for them, I did it for me. That's not me being ingenuous either. In a way, everything you have to do has to be for yourself. It's not that people don't appreciate what I do, but I faced a fair bit of criticism when I was in the leadership role. People often thought that Rose & Thorn policy was my personal policy as if I was persecuting them personally. So all along I've tried to keep in my mind that I'm acting out of my own best interest. My sense of self is connected to my spiritual self, so when I say I did it for me, it was in the more global sense. I believe we are all connected on a soul level."

SS: "Getting involved in the community did change my personal practice of D/s. Before Rose & Thorn, I dated a lot of dominants I met on the Internet. I gained a good bit of experience from dating so many men, who varied from complete novices to experienced players. I only got involved with a few of them, but having so much choice helped me recognize my value in the scene both as a woman and a submissive. I had many more choices than most men in the scene, and this awareness meant I didn't have to accept the first Dominant who happened along.

"Part of what gets submissives into trouble, especially in the beginning, is that they're so desperate to experience BDSM, they get involved with just about anyone who rings their bell. A dangerous proposition.

"The best part about being involved in a community is the sense of the big picture. Having met literally hundreds of dominants, I have a very good idea of what's real and what's not. I've also become much more careful about who I play with. In the beginning, I would sometimes play with a Dominant just because he turned me on. I soon discovered that just like in vanilla relationships, lust alone is insufficient to maintain a relationship.

"Unfortunately, a lot of people are attracted to the BDSM lifestyle because of its dramatic side: the role playing, the power exchange, the clothing. I've met many dominants, particularly male ones, who use BDSM as a sort of cover for their inability to connect on an emotional level. In the beginning, I was fooled by dominants who were good looking, had charisma, dressed well, and had a 'Dominant' personae. I soon realized these things are easy to fashion. Real Dominance is a deep and visceral thing, something, which has nothing to do with the trappings of BDSM. Being able to recognize these differences has been the most useful skill I've developed.

"One of the challenges I've found is that the mantle of leadership can be intimidating to potential partners. Part of it is that anyone who shows up as my date at local events is bound to get a lot of attention. This worked out pretty well for the two submissives I've had in the last few years. However, I get the feeling that for the dominants I've dated, the public thing is a bit harder. After all, when I'm in leadership mode, I'm a bit dominant myself which can cause a problem with competitiveness. I expect some of it has to do with the fact that it took me nearly three years to attend a public event with a Dominant for the first time, and so it naturally attracted a fair bit of attention. It's a very strange thing, but I'm well aware that people gossip about me, presumably because of my leadership role. That puts a lot of unfair pressure on any Dominant with whom I get involved, something along the lines of 'Gee, who is this guy who can actually dominate Sadie?' The reality of my submission is that I love to give it up, but it's hard for outsiders to see because of my outgoing personality."

SS: " The funny thing about leadership is that people assume there must have been strife of some kind. It's really quite unfortunate, but understandable when you hear about some of the dramatic coups happening in the leadership boards of other BDSM groups. I'm proud, and admittedly relieved, that Rose & Thorn's core group is an integrated and cohesive group.

"In interviewing other leaders I discovered there are two schools of thought on leadership of BDSM groups. Many of the leaders believe in the dictatorship approach or 'benevolent dictator' as I always thought of myself. Others believe it's important for there to be a board where responsibility and change is voted on by many, including sometimes the community involved. The difficult part of this approach is that egos and power politics are common and can destroy a group. I feel the one leader approach is more effective, but maybe that's only because it's the way I did it. I do believe that once a group grows to a certain size, a board is needed to manage the complexities of a larger organization. I found running the actual group to be pretty easy. I'm very organized and had it down to a system which functioned efficiently.

"What I wasn't getting from leadership was connections with smaller groups of people who were of a like mind. I take a spiritual and emotional approach to BDSM, and I wanted to spend more time with people who took that same approach. I also felt that if I was not in a leadership position, I might be able to express my submissive side a little more in public. It's quite impossible to be even remotely submissive when you are in charge of a complex organization. Now that I'm free to do what I want, I can explore this part of myself a little more."

SS: "The biggest difference is that the drama quotient has gone from about 95% to 5%, something which I very much appreciate. When you are a leader, you have to reply diplomatically to everyone whether or not you like or respect them. As a writer, I only have to please myself. If someone, or a particular publication doesn't like what I write, I simply move on to another publication.

"I've also discovered that coming out to friends is easier. In the past I not only had to explain not only BDSM but the idea that there were groups, and that I was leading one. Nowadays I just say that I am a sex columnist, something which people are already familiar with through the writings of authors like Susie Bright. In other words, I now identify primarily as a sex columnist rather than a group leader.

"Interestingly, I've been so focussed on work that I haven't had any relationships in about eight months. It's a little amusing really that I'm writing about sex and relationships but not having any. I do believe that there are periods in life when you focus on one thing or another - work or relationships or family. This is my work period. I could have a lover if I wanted one, but at the moment other things are more important.

SS: "My main interest is in seeing Rose & Thorn and the other local groups grow and prosper, which they are clearly doing. We have an extremely competent management team now in charge, and I feel confident they will continue to do a great job.

"I've been quite thrilled that the Vermont Society of Kink started up here. Having another group takes a lot of pressure off of Rose & Thorn to be all things to all people. I'm hoping the community continues to grow, and that eventually we have a number of groups all working together. I know that can be a challenge, because I see the strife happening in some other states. Still, I'm hoping we can avoid those situations, and we've certainly done a good job so far.

"Even though I don't personally participate in play parties, I'd like to see more of them happening locally. I think they are a great venue for people to learn from each other. It's a challenge since Vermont has such a small community and we have a limited number of experienced players, many of who don't have the facilities or the interest in hosting play parties.

"I've always been focused on making connections between our community and the larger BDSM community of New England. I hope we continue to nurture those relationships, because it's the connections with the broader community which create a safe atmosphere to explore our own orientation."

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If you enjoyed this interview, read more SCENEprofiles with BDSM personalities on Sadie's website at www.sensuoussadie.com 

Sensuous Sadie is a BDSM columnist and edits SCENEsubmissions, a free e-newsletter. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com.  Sadie believes the universe is abundant and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2002