website: http://wmdifferentstrokes.com 

listserv: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/wmds 

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In these columns, I began from a premise - which pre-supposed that one is interested in being part of a group. It seems only fair, then, that I make the case for becoming involved with a group in the first place.

And that case must begin by stating the obvious - that there is no compelling need for anyone to join a group. None. Can someone achieve happiness on his or her own? It happened all the time in the past (before BDSM groups became common) and continues to do so. One prominent BDSM proponent (from whose website your faithful correspondent first became acquainted with the lifestyle several years ago) has likened BDSM groups to a "cult". I think that description might be a more accurate description of his organization (which does have a "cult of personality" about it). Yet he is correct in that one can learn from other underground couples. Lastly, many people who do eventually become involved with groups are not newbies; they've achieved varying states of accomplishment purely on their own before venturing out into the public arena. So, why do it? Here are some benefits - and they're the reason why some of us have put in the time on this endeavor:

Friendship: Birds of a feather do tend to flock together. One married woman who runs a group in this region states that, over the years, most of their friends now tend to be lifestylers. Not by deliberate choice, just simply from common interests. People who are passionate enough about certain subjects to attend conventions (such as Star Trek, The Three Stooges, etc.) say that, for at least one weekend, "they don't have to explain why they are there, why they are so involved". Even with our most open-minded vanilla friends, the lack of shared experiences can be a drawback.

Education & Support: For those who get acquainted with groups, it's being able to learn what resources are available - not from a shadowy figure in cyberspace, but a living flesh-and-blood human being over a cup of coffee. If one asks, "My husband and I like to do this in private.. is that er, well typical"? - one can find this out from people who have perhaps struggled with this in their own lives. One can achieve certain goals (such as exercise, quitting smoking, learning a musical instrument, etc.) on their own - but for many others, the support of others can make the difference between success and failure. Even if you merely sit back and listen to discussions, growth by osmosis is almost inevitable.

Shared Interest in Privacy: For some, the apprehension about sticking one' s neck out in public can be a deterrent to joining a group. However, for most groups (and especially ones here in semi-rural northern New England) this is a shared concern. For those with children, those who work in schools, churches, high-profile positions in society and many others, they have the same need for privacy that you do. And a willingness to look out for yours.

Networking: Although it would be unseemly if one were to be heavy-handed in doing so, business networking is an essential part of the Scene (as it is with any other sort of community activities). Whether one has business related to the scene (such as making toys, BDSM furniture, jewelry, tattooing, etc.) or vanilla endeavors (insurance, land surveying, building contractors, legal services and the like) you may be surprised at the number of business cards that are exchanged at BDSM functions. It only stands to reason, I think.

Seeking a partner: In this column I have mentioned that when I first got my group off the ground, I received some initial inquiries from men that were...well, you be the judge: "What uncollared females do you have in your stable"..."Can you arrange a threesome for me when I attend one of your functions"? In fairness, those were the exceptions, not the norm - and I have not received that type of inquiry in quite some time. Still, meeting a partner is a major goal for some people. And the response that I've made is to use the analogy of the singles bar vs. a neighborhood pub. At a singles bar, everyone knows why you are there - and while the opportunities exist, the corresponding pressure can make it unbearable. By contrast, the friendly neighborhood pub (with food, pool tables or darts, folk music, etc.) is the more appropriate comparison - one may well get a date out of the experience, but it's unlikely to happen quickly. It's a by-product of having a good time with others, sort of dating "in the slow lane". One should utilize other methods (personal ads, word-of-mouth, etc.) and just consider this one more avenue. Just by socializing with others (and letting it be known that you'd like to meet a partner), you may well be told, "Have I got a guy for you.....".

Party and other events: Finally, if one becomes known in group circles, the invitations to parties and other special events often follow. These may (or may not) be appealing to you - yet they are much more likely to be forthcoming if you take the time to become involved, to get to know people.

Having read this, you may still have no interest in attending group functions. If you are happy in your lifestyle, there is no need to change. If you do venture out, though, it may well be a day that you will look back at some day in the future - with fondness.