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BDSM And Raising A Family
This is truly a hot topic issue; no one
wishes to have anyone tell him or her how to raise children. But alas, this is
an editorial, so of course this is my opinion. I know this may raise some
eyebrows, but I have strong feelings about this topic.
While talking with a friend on IM, I was
told of a post made on a very large public Yahoo group. The post went something
like this: while playing with a new toy (a whip) I playfully hit my son in the
behind, he turned around and said Mommy you can only do that with consent. The
person posting then went on to say at least I know he is listening to some
things I say. Now this is a pre- teen boy and the banter following was all
positive and joking in regards to the child’s statement. My friend was shocked
and did not post in a negative way as all the leaders and insiders of that group
were positive about this statement.
In conversation with my friend in regards
to this post, we talked about how in a large Yahoo group with 100’s of members,
could it be possible that people in child welfare and law-enforcement may also
be looking into such Yahoo groups owned by a BDSM club based in a local
community keeping checks on the banter? And just how a statement like this could
cause great hardships for the person making it and people responding in a
positive way. My friend is considering leaving that group and still cannot
understand why the leaders of that group would allow such conversation.
A good friend once had a relationship with
a woman that he knew was a bit open with her children; it started out as a
play-only relationship. The relationship became more and as they became closer
he had her and her children over to his home for a weekend. One morning just how
open hit him like a ton of bricks. While in his bed, her young son of 8 came in
and jumped on the bed. Understand it was agreed that the weekend with her family
in his home would be completely vanilla; all BDSM toys and paraphernalia were
locked up and hidden and no play. Well, her son runs in and jumps on the bed, my
friend had a hitching post ring attached to his headboard. Well the boy takes
one look at it, grabs hold of it and says, “ Is that to tie my mommy to?” The
bizarre thing was the woman could not understand his shock at an 8 year old
having knowledge of this and pointing out such an adult thing.
For me personally, I know a couple that
live in a small town and they tout themselves as being 24/7 TPE / APE. The male,
the Dominant, has the female, the submissive, in locked cuffs, wrist and ankle
restraints with collar 24/7. She wears them to the store, the school to pick up
the children and she says she also wears them to the PTA. As I look back when I
was in school and at how cruel children can be, I shudder to think what their
children put up with and are dished out by their peers in school. All due to the
spectacle they are witness to every time their Mom comes to pick them up or is
seen in public.
I do not think anyone would condone
putting children in adult sexual situations but for me that is exactly what
people are doing when they are so open with young children in their home. In
most cases, when you distill a BDSM relationship down to its core it is about
the sex. There are exceptions to this -- there is the sadist, and the folks only
in the lifestyle to serve -- but again I would shudder to think of a child being
witness to a sadistic scene, and for most folks that serve it is a fetish for
them and again not appropriate for children to witness.
Now for many homes, there is one part of
the LifeStyle that in fact has similarities in both vanilla and BSDM
relationship and that is power exchange (D/s). Many homes have a Dominant and
submissive partner in them. The big differences are, in most vanilla
relationships the submissive partner does not address her dominant as Master,
walk around in restraints and kneel at their Masters feet or stand for
inspection.
I feel for most in the BDSM LifeStyle,
they keep this part of their life very private and completely secret from their
children. I see proof of this as in the average age of most couples in our
Lifestyle are 40 something and their children are leading their own lives. Most
will even say we now can be more active and interact with more people of like
mind now that the children are gone.
For me, I have had alternative feelings
all my life. In my younger days they manifested themselves as dreams and in
games as being happy when I was capturing someone while playing army or cowboys
and Indians. Later in life when starting to find an interest in girls, it was
sex outdoors in places that were semi-public and had the excitement of being
caught. Now all these feelings came to me in a way that my developing mind could
handle them. I never had feelings there was something wrong with me. Later in
life I started having feelings there was something different. But for the most
part, the feelings manifested themselves when in sexual relationships I was
having.
In my own life, I started a family at a
young age; even though I became aware of the BDSM lifestyle when my oldest was 3
years old, NONE of my children were ever aware in their youth of my interest in
BDSM. Even after my divorce from their mother, whenever they interacted with me,
BDSM or the BDSM mind set was never a part of my interaction. Now many years
later, I find myself with a new responsibility, a grandchild; and again she will
never be aware of my BDSM lifestyle. My home is set up where when she comes to
visit all BDSM paraphernalia can be safely locked away and hidden from view. My
relationship with my live-in partner turns completely vanilla as it is in all
interactions in public and with most of my family members and friends.
When you get married, you make a promise
to devote your life to your partner. The law can dissolve this.
When you have children, you are
responsible to shape another’s life; if you screw up you will have a child in
distress. It is a great responsibly and one that will have you on the hook for
almost two decades. Your personal life and fantasies now should come second.
You see it is all about that most
important of rules in our LifeStyle: SSC. Safe, Sane and Consensual.
In my opinion it is NOT:
1. SAFE to expose children or others to
this LifeStyle when you are raising a family; society and the authorities at
large do not understand our way.
2. SANE in fact for me it is insane to
introduce a young child to such an adult LifeStyle.
3. CONSENSUAL, your young or pre-teen
child does not consent to you shoving your LifeStyle interest down their
throats. And it is selfish to live out your fantasy at the risk of messing up
your children’s lives or the way they will interact with future partners.
For me, I look back at the baby boomers
growing up in the age of innocents. In our world this is all but gone. With the
advent of the internet and all the adult content in video games, on TV and even
in children’s programming, we as parents have more than enough conversations of
an adult nature we need to have with our children. They do not need to worry
about trying to assimilate our LifeStyle into their psyche also.
LB
EPE Dominion
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